Four Ways to Deal with Desire

I was out enjoying a beautiful fall day when I saw a red Audi convertible drive past me. Immediately the thought formed in my mind, “That is a beautiful car.”  Right on its tails came the next thought, “I would REALLY love to drive a car like that.” Then started a whole train of thoughts like, “Well, I am going to have to get a new car at some point.” “I would get a lot of enjoyment out of it.” “I’ve got the money.” Within the space of a few seconds, I had a focused desire for this car.

So, what do I do with this desire? How do I deal with it? For that matter, how do I deal with any desire? This is an important question, because all of us have desires— some trivial, others intense, some spur of the moment, others lasting for decades. To understand & deal with our desires wisely is a key to joy & peace, while to deal with them poorly or not at all is a road to chaos & suffering.

Four Ways to Deal with Desire

One way to deal with a desire is to ignore it. I think this is a common response of the heart that has been broken by hurt & past desires unmet, as well as the heart numbed by addictions or other soul destroyers. Unfortunately, this strategy often doesn’t work, for the heart is wired to desire. Simply trying to ignore our desires is like trying to ignore weeds— they will keep growing anyway.

Another way to deal with a desire is to reject it. Some would go so far as to say that desire is evil, and that no good can come from it. After all, the first use of the word desire in the Bible is referring to Eve’s sin, and even one of the four noble truths of Buddhism is that all suffering comes from desire.

Why not simply be done with desire and all its attendant problems?  Why not reject it all? Because even if you could eliminate suffering by eliminating desire, you would also eliminate satisfaction, joy, growth and all that makes life ultimately worth living.  There are multiple places where the Bible refers to God’s desires, so desire itself cannot be evil.

So, if desire is good, why not embrace it? Many self-help gurus would say if you want that Audi, then trust your heart, go for it, focus your intentions on it, attract it to you, and relish in it. As good as that sounds, a life lived embracing all desire ends in destruction. Any honest look at our hearts will tell us that we don’t always desire what is good for us, and that often we can be fooled as to how a desire fulfilled will actually effect our lives. The book of Ecclesiastes shows a man, King Solomon, who had perhaps greater opportunity than any other man to fulfill his desires, and yet struggled with the emptiness & pointlessness of his life.

What, then, are we to do with desire? What am I to do about my Audi? Do I ignore it, trying to keep it out of my mind? Do I reject it, along with my desire for anything else? Or do I embrace it, and head down to the car lot?

There is another path, a path of wisdom: to learn to discern desires. To discern means to recognize, comprehend, differentiate and perceive differences. In essence, to properly deal with a desire I must first discern, to recognize the nature of the desire. Once I know its nature, I will then know whether it is wise to embrace it or reject it.

Self-Focused vs. God-Focused

If we conclude that we need to learn to discern, then exactly how do we do it?  What is the process, the criteria, the classification scheme for wise or unwise desires?  The Bible actually has a lot to say about desire: the ESV translation has 150 references to it, and talks much about desire in both a positive and negative aspect.  The simplest way to apply Biblical wisdom to dealing with desire is to discern whether a desire is self-focused or God-focused.

A God-focused desire is just that: a desire with a focus on God. It can be focused on God Himself, like a desire to love Him, to serve Him, to know Him, or it can be focused on glorifying Him directly in worship, or it can be focused on glorifying Him through service.

A self-focused desire, likewise, needs little explanation: it is a desire with the focus on myself. Fulfilling that desire does not lead me to God, but away from Him. It does not lead my heart to focus on God, but on me.

The “Heart” of Discernment

Which leads us to the real core of discernment: the heart. For you see, the real test is not the actual content of the desire, but the position of the heart. A desire for the exact same thing could be God-focused in one heart, and yet be self-focused in another heart.

An example: two women have a fervent desire to sing a solo during a worship service. For one, the real core of her desire is for her talent to be recognized & appreciated, for people to see her for who she is, & to fulfill what she sees as her purpose in life. When this woman has her desire realized, she is full of satisfaction, but she is also full of herself, her vindication & pride. If her desire is frustrated, she will become depressed, frustrated, or bitter towards herself, others, or God.

The second woman has the same fervent desire, but with a different object: she wants to glorify God and bless people. She really isn’t thinking of herself at all. When this woman has her desire realized, she is full of joy & gratitude that God spoke through her, people were blessed, and God was glorified. She soaks in God’s love & pleasure. If her desire is frustrated, she is able to accept that God did what was best for Him— and isn’t that what her real desire, deep down, was for anyway? For God? Although it will be difficult, she will be able to agree with the ancient Job that she trusts God even though her heart hurts.

But What About my Audi?

So with these principles in mind, let’s return to my potential Audi.  If I examine my desire for this car, it is arising primarily out of a love for myself and my pleasure.  What’s worse, in order to obtain it I would have to violate deeper, God-centered desires to use my money to minister to my family and to God.  Conclusion: this is a desire to reject.  It will lead my heart and my life out of my path of walking with God.  I’m not going to be making a trip to an Audi showroom anytime soon.

Now notice this does not mean buying an Audi is a wrong desire for anyone.  If someone with more financial resources than I knows that his wife’s heart would overflow with joy with that car, and he has abundantly given of his time and money to ministry, and the purchase price will not be a financial burden to him, then it may not be a self-focused desire in his heart. 

One last example: my purchase last year of my beloved iPhone.  Was this a self-focused or God-focused desire?  This was honestly a tough call for me, which I thought & prayed for weeks before my purchase.  Although I knew I was going to get personal enjoyment from it, it was more important that it would serve a purpose, & I saw the amount of money was not going to interfere with any other ministry to my family or others.  And indeed, I’ve gotten a great deal of enjoyment from it, but I’ve been able to use it to connect with people, stay better organized, access the Bible and sermons whenever I want to, have pictures of my family to show off, and many other uses which all impact the Kingdom of God in a positive way.  So what might have been a self-focused desire for some truly has been God-focused for me.

We all have to deal with desire every day.  I hope these principles of dealing with desire help lead you to greater joy, peace & purpose as you walk with God today.

You might also enjoy these articles:

1. The Dangerous Devolving of Desire to Deserve
2. Lord, what do You have for me today?
3. The Idolatry of Ministry
4. Bringing All Our Desires to the Cross
5. Desire Factory